


Whatever You Make Me

by HalfASlug



Series: Found My Place [1]
Category: Broadchurch
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-01
Updated: 2016-04-03
Packaged: 2018-05-30 15:08:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,330
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6429340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HalfASlug/pseuds/HalfASlug
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The trial is over and the Millers are still adjusting. A day goes from bad to worse for Ellie and she is forced to face her fears, weaknesses and other things she's being trying to ignore.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Title from the Frank Iero song She's the Prettiest Girl at the Party, and She Can Prove it with a Solid Right Hook.

It started, as things always seemed to these days, with a phone call.

Well, it started with twenty six phone calls.

And Ellie had managed to miss all of them.

"Bollocks!"

Still half-asleep, she wrestled her arms out from under her quilt and sat up in bed, whilst trying to make sense of her call log.

Just over five hours ago, Tom had tried to reach her several times, followed by another bunch of calls about half an hour later from a local number. There was another gap before more calls from Tom's mobile and the unknown number and then, for some reason, Alec Hardy had joined in the desperate attempts to contact her.

"What the..."

The day had started like any other with the exception of Fred having a cold, hating it and trying to rupture the rest of his family's eardrums in retaliation. As a result, Tom was even more of a grouch as he got ready for school than normal and she was less patient with him. He'd ended up storming off, without so much as a goodbye, bag slung over his shoulder, a good ten minutes before he usually set off with her yelling at him until the front door slammed shut.

"You'll break the bloody window, you-" She'd taken a deep breath. Sleep deprivation and worry always brought out the worst in her, a trait her eldest had inherited. Before when they'd both been at each other's throats, Joe had been there to play peacemaker. With him gone and with the pair of them knowing what it was like to be estranged from the other, they'd started making sure their arguments never reached that level.

Of course, some mornings, yelling at each was more therapeutic than malicious.

Ellie noted that this memory of Joe caused more of a dull ache in her chest rather than anger so bad her hands would shake. As much as she tried not to think about him, he had been part of her life fifteen years and it was nearly impossible. She had no idea if this latest change was because of her moving forward or because she was simply too tired for anything to feel real anymore.

Two hours later, Ellie was at breaking point. Nothing she did could stop Fred from crying and none of the medicine she'd purchased the day before appeared to be working. It'd been nearly thirty hours since she'd last slept and her current tactic of crying with him was as effective as the rest.

Of course, it was then that Lucy had decided to show up.

"'I've got the day off' she says." Lucy stepped into the house when the door was opened for her. "'Why don't we meet-' wow, you look like someone pissed on your cornflakes."

"Thanks."

Lucy pushed her sunglasses on top of her head in that way that she had always been able to effortlessly pull off to study her sister closer. "Shit, Ell, what's wrong?"

Whether it was the first sign of sympathy or just because her eyes had finally broken, Ellie began sobbing and was soon gathered in Lucy's arms, trying to explain how Fred was ill and the house was a mess and Tom was as moody a teenager as she'd always feared he'd be and Fred was clearly set for a career as a town crier and she hadn't showered in two days and Fred, shut up and her mind was about three seconds behind everything else and she just wanted to sleep and-

"Right," Lucy eventually interrupted, "all I had planned for today was lunch with you and you didn't bother to turn up for that, so I'll take Fred-"

"You don't have to-" Ellie protested, but Lucy shut her down before she could start.

"Someone has to or you'll lose your mind. I raised Olly, remember? I can deal with needy."

Even this act of kindness was enough to start the tears off again. Ever since Joe's arrest, Lucy had been making up for years of using her family when she needed something and Ellie couldn't have been more grateful.

"I can finally get some washing up done," she chuckled wetly as Lucy shouldered a bag of Fred's things and was trying to make the grumbling toddler smile by making faces.

"Don't you dare," she warned, pointing a finger at Ellie. "Make Tom do it when he gets in from school. Get some sleep or you might try and wash the toaster or drown in the bloody sink."

One tearful goodbye to a miraculously dozing Fred later, and Ellie was staring at her bedroom ceiling, willing sleep to come. At least for the previous couple of nights she had had her son to blame for keeping her up. Now, with the house a silent as she pretended she wanted it to be, there was no one to blame but herself for still being awake. Hours past in frustration, as she tried not to think about falling asleep was something so simple babies could do it, but for some ungodly reason she was failing miserably at.

It was a vicious cycle. The longer it went on, the more wound up and less able to drop off she became. It wouldn't have been so bad if every muscle didn't ache while her eyes burned and the dull pounding in her head served as a constant reminder of just how tired she was.

The answer to her problems was sat in the drawer in her bedside table.

Ellie rolled over to glare at the drawer in question. One sleeping pill and she'd be fine. She'd be out like a light in less than twenty minutes.

Memories of the last time she took one flooded back to her. The odd mixture of post-holiday blues and relief that a long journey was over. Tom almost falling asleep halfway up the stairs. Fred refusing to let anyone take his new Goofy toy away from him. Joe being his usual jolly self, making sure everyone had alarms set and bags packed for tomorrow.

Joe secretly arranging to meet the ten year old boy he was in love with, the one he would kill three hours later.

If she'd fallen asleep naturally would she have noticed him sneaking out? Would she have heard him come back in? Would she had woken up in the night to find him missing?

Could she have stopped it all from happening?

She rolled over again to face the opposite wall to stop the temptation. She'd have to go to sleep eventually. It was that or go mad.

An hour later, desperation had sent her to the kitchen. She made a sandwich for Tom, leaving a note with it explaining that dinner was probably going to be late, that she was sorry and that if the washing up could be done then that would really help her out and could possibly end in a chocolate-based reward, especially if the living room was tidied as well.

Not for the first time recently she felt like she was failing as a mother, but it felt so distant compared to the immediate problem of her body and mind slowly turning to gloop. She'd deal with the guilt later, when it didn't take an inordinate amount of concentration to walk in a straight line.

Trying not to think about it and therefore thinking about nothing else, Ellie swallowed the tablet with a glass of water and crawled back under the covers, telling herself that it couldn't possibly end up as bad as the last time.

Twenty six missed calls later, and she was beginning to rethink this.

"Shit, shit, shit, shit..."

She hit the button to call Tom.

"Sorry, the number you have dialed is currently unavailable-"

"For fuck's sake."

Redial.

"Sorry, the-"

"Pay a fortune for the bastard thing and the one time I need to phone him-"

"Sorry-"

With a growl, she went back to the call log and hovered her thumb over the other two numbers. She quickly decided that, in the state she was currently in, talking to someone she knew was probably wiser than whoever the other number belonged to.

"C'mon, c'mon, c'mon," she muttered as it rang. "Pick up, you miserable-"

"Welcome to the EE voicemail service. Sorry, but the person you-"

"What is the point in any of you having mobiles?"

Another go at Hardy's number ended in the same forcefully cheery recording and Ellie drew in a couple of deep breaths to stop herself flinging her phone across her room. The irony of them being unreachable was not lost on her.

She brought up Google on her phone and was in the process of copy and pasting the third number into the search bar to try and work out what was happening when the screen changed to display 'Alec Hardy - Incoming Call' and started vibrating.

"Hardy, what-"

"Where the fuck are you?"

He wasn't exactly known for answering his phone politely, but this was rude even by his usual standards.

"I'm at home, why-"

"Why haven't you been answering your phone?"

"I was asleep!" she bristled.

"It's half five!" he replied, his voice rising in both pitch and volume.

"And?"

"And? No one's heard from you since lunchtime! You've picked a piss poor time to become a bloody owl, Miller."

Rubbing her eyes to wake herself up a bit more, Ellie wondered if he could possibly sound any more Scottish without expressing a desire to throw a can of Iron Bru at an Englishman. "Sorry my sleep schedule is such a bother for you."

"Whatever. Just get down here now."

"And where's here?"

She heard his breath catch and for a moment all she could hear was the distant sound of traffic and the chatter of people in the background.

"Hardy?"

"Bridport."

Before she could ask what he was doing in Bridport or all places, a siren blared down the line and her foggy mind started fitting the pieces together.

Bridport was the closest A and E to Broadchurch.

"What's happened? Who-"

"Ellie, don't-"

"Tell me what's happened!" she shouted. Her grip on her phone was so tight the edges were hurting her fingers but she barely noticed over the rushing in her ears and nausea rising in her stomach. Everything about this - the sleeping tablets, Hardy using her first name - it all reminded her of Joe. All of the anger and fear were rising inside of her again and she knew she'd been stupid to think she'd ever get rid of it.

"It's Tom, but he's going to be fine," Hardy answered. Whereas before he was clearly annoyed, now his voice had taken on that softer tone she'd only heard a couple of times, normally during the worst moments of her life. She knew he meant to help keep her calm, but he'd have been better of if he'd carried on bickering with her. This gentleness only made her picture the worst and those bloody sad eyes of his.

"Going to be?" It wasn't until she spoke that she realised she was crying and she swiped at her eyes.

"He got into a fight at lunchtime and he's a bit bruised-"

"Obviously it's worse than that if he's in bloody hospital!"

Ellie got out of bed and picked clothes out of her wardrobe at random while Hardy explained. "Three cracked ribs, couple of stitches in his lip and black eye."

"What? Hang on-" She fumbled with her phone and managed to set it to speaker before setting it down on the bed. "Is he okay?"

It sounded like a stupid question to ask before she'd even asked it and it was telling how serious the situation was that Hardy didn't pick her up on it.

"He's doped up at the minute so he's fine. They've said he won't need to stay overnight. It'll be a rough couple of weeks for him, but there won't be any permanent damage."

It took three attempts of pulling her jumper over her head for Ellie to realise she had in inside out. "Really?"

"Aye."

Try as she might, Ellie couldn't stop the mental images of her boy, battered and bruised, in a hospital bed somewhere, waiting for her to show up. The guilt she'd expected this morning had definitely made an appearance.

With her outfit changed, she snatched the phone back up and rushed downstairs. "Tell him I'm on my way. Shouldn't be more than ten minutes. And that I love him. And if he scares me like this again then he's grounded until he's thirty."

"Will do."

She'd grabbed her bag and keys and was halfway out the door when she realised there was glaring hole in her timeline of events. "Wait - how did you get involved in all of this?"

"No one could reach you, so they tried Lucy-"

"Bollocks. She sold her phone a couple of days ago."

"Who sells their phone?"

"She needed the money. And she's on a self-improvement kick. Another one. Don't ask."

"I won't. Olly wasn't picking up either."

"Really?"

"I know. I thought his phone was attached to his hand so he could update bloody Twitter every time he blinked."

Ellie dumped her bag on the back seat of the car and got into a brief fight with her seat belt while Hardy grumbled. She should probably have defended her nephew, but she had bigger things to think about.

Besides, he wasn't exactly wrong.

"So Tom phoned me."

"You?" Ellie paused with the key in the ignition. She knew Tom had the Latimer's home phone number, as well as Mark's mobile. She wouldn't have been surprised if he'd ended up with Beth and Chloe's either. There were plenty of people left in Broadchurch who would have gone to the hospital with him or who could have came to the house to find her. Yet Tom had chose Hardy. "How did he know your number?"

There was another pause, filled with a distant ambulance. "I gave it to him last time I was down. Look, my battery is running low so..."

"Right."

"See you later, Miller."

"Yeah. Ten minutes. Bye."

Ellie threw the phone onto the passenger seat and swore to herself that she would bin those sleeping pills the moment she got chance to.


	2. Chapter 2

The rush hour traffic was a blessing in disguise that gave Ellie chance to sort out her hands-free set and call Lucy's landline. There was still no answer, but she was able to leave a message explaining what had happened. Reciting the little facts she knew made Ellie panic. Tom had never been in trouble for fighting before and now he was in hospital because of one. Did he start it? Was he being bullied? How serious could cracked ribs be? How could they be sure he hadn't damaged his lungs?

Having a fully-trained paramedic around had been useful at times. Ellie gripped the steering wheel tighter at the thought. If she could get through everything else without him, then she could certainly make it to the hospital.

The ten minute journey ended up being closer to fifteen and, by the time she'd found somewhere to park and change for the pay and display, she'd received a text from Hardy asking if she was there yet.

_Just heading in now. How is he?,_ she replied, almost jogging towards the entrance.

_Fine. Head for x-ray on 1st floor._

_Thanks_

Ellie shoved her phone in her bag, not bothering to comment on how 'fine' wasn't a good enough answer or that she knew the basic layout of the hospital having been there more times than she cared to think about with work.

Finding the children's waiting room was easy enough with all of the signs and it wasn't long before she was darting out of the overly-warm lift and through the doors. Unfortunately, the packed room decorated with not-quite-Disney characters and bead games showed no signs of Tom or Hardy. Thinking that maybe they had been called in and didn't have chance to tell her, Ellie asked at the desk.

To his credit, the nurse there looked genuinely sympathetic though he was clearly rushed off his feet. "Sorry. I can't give out specific information about minor patients unless-"

Ellie held up her warrant card.

"There's been no Tom Miller here today."

"What?" Ellie gasped, briefly wondering if she had somehow driven to the wrong hospital.

"How old is he?" the nurse asked, typing something into the computer. "We've been busy so he might have gone to the adults' side if he's a bit older."

"Thirteen. Can you check on there for me?"

"He's there. Through that door, turn right and follow the corridor round."

"Thanks."

A minute later, she was bursting through another set of double doors to a room that was just as busy as the last. She was still scanning the crowded seating area when she saw Hardy stand up to her right. He nodded at her, as if he'd forgotten how to wave, but she was too focussed on the boy sat next to him to respond.

His right eye was almost swollen shut, the area around it an odd mixture of blue, grey and yellow, while his top lip jutted out more than normal, the black stitches visible even from across the room.

"Tom!" she cried, rushing over.

"Mum!"

He was beginning to stand up, a hand held to the right side of his chest, when she reached him. She stopped him with a hand on his shoulder and knelt in front of him.

"Is it the ribs on your right?"

He nodded.

"Anywhere else hurt?"

"No."

"Good."

Ellie wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him into a hug that he immediately returned with his left arm. Knowing the reason he wasn't using both made her heart ache and she had to stop herself from squeezing him any tighter.

"I'm sorry, Tom, I'm so sorry."

"S'okay."

"Didn't hear my phone."

"Mum-"

She pulled back and gave him a watery smile. Since she had woken up she hadn't given herself time to think about the situation, but, now she was here, she realised how worried she had been. Memories of that terrible day had been fighting to get to the forefront of her mind the whole way over. Seeing Danny's body, trying to keep it together while thinking of Beth and Mark, how they didn't know, how she'd have to tell Tom…

Being told he was okay was one thing, but holding him, feeling his breath on her neck and smelling a mixture of her washing powder and that awful Lynx spray he insisted on fumigating the house with meant so much more.

"How are you feeling?" she asked, brushing his fringe out of his face. There were scratches all over his face.

"Bored of waiting around," he answered. "Been here hours."

A nervous laugh escaped her. "I love you."

Most boys his age would cringe away from their mother's being openly affectionate in public, but Tom had grown a lot over the past year. After everything they'd been through as a family, after everything they had been through as mother and son, he knew that some things were more important.

"More than chocolate, right?" he grinned as best he could.

Knowing she wouldn't be able to speak without properly crying, Ellie bit her bottom lip and nodded.

Apparently that was one step too far for Tom who rolled his eyes. "God, Mum, I'm okay."

"He won't be though if you keep squeezing him, Miller" Hardy said, reminding Ellie he was there.

"Mum's prerogative," she replied, smiling at him, though she did move to perch on the cluttered table next to Tom. She kept an arm around him and pressed a kiss to his crown. "You all right?"

"Fine," Hardy replied. A muscle in his jaw twitched.

Ellie arched an eyebrow at him.

"He's a kid and he couldn't go through the children's A and E!" he said, not bothering to mind how loud he was being. "It's a bloody joke."

"They looked after me before Hardy got here," Tom interjected, his speech slightly lisped. "Kept giving me drinks and stuff. One of the nurses got me a straw because of my lip and everything."

"Not the point," Hardy growled. "There's some nasty things in there that no child should see."

"But he didn't, he's getting treated and that's the main thing," Ellie pointed out before turning to Tom. "You didn't see anything too horrible, did you?"

Tom thought for a moment. "One guy had blood all over his shirt. It was so cool."

"No Halo for a week."

Before Tom could protest, the speaker next to them crackled into life, announcing the next patient to see the doctor.

"She was only a few ahead of us before," Hardy said, watching a woman on crutches head towards the doors on the far side of the room. "Shouldn't be too long now."

As Tom turned to watch the woman, Ellie noticed him wincing.

"Who was it?"

"Why?" Tom asked, glancing back at the woman. "Did you know her?"

"Not her. Who hurt you?" she clarified, her tone sharper than she intended it to be.

Tom looked at his knees. "I don't know."

"Don't lie to me."

"'M'not." It looked like Tom tried to glare at her but decided otherwise when he saw the look she was giving him.

"Tom-"

"Miller." Hardy interrupted quietly.

She looked over Tom's head at him, meaning to explain to him that she could talk to her own kids how she bloody well please, but stopped when she saw his face. After all of the interrogations and interviews they had done together, she could read him better than she could most people. In one look he somehow managed to convince her that this wasn't the way to go about things.

"What happened?" she asked, trying to keep her voice as neutral as possible. She could hear the strain though and, judging by his nervous fidgeting, so did Tom.

"Stuff."

"Tom."

"What?"

Ellie took a deep breath. Shouting wasn't going to get her anywhere and upsetting him would probably hurt his ribs. Realising this helped more than anything.

She turned to Hardy. "You said he was in a fight?"

He nodded, clearly not wanting to lie but not wanting to get involved either.

"Fighting?" Ellie sighed. "Since when do you get into fights?"

Tom met her eyes then and swallowed. "They said stuff about dad," he answered quietly, like he didn't want people to overhear.

She froze. She'd have been lying if she'd said she hadn't been expecting it, but she had been holding onto the hope that it had been anything else. Once the immediate aftermath of the trial was over she knew there would still be fallout. She knew that while they moved on, this would always haunt them in one way or another.

It explained why he called Hardy before the Latimers. The families might've been close now, united by a common enemy, but there would always be a guilty undercurrent for the Millers.

Trying to hide her reaction to the mention of Joe, Ellie squeezed Tom's shoulder. "What stuff?"

"I dunno."

There were limits to her calm, however.

"You don't know what they said to make you get into a fight?"

Infuriatingly, Tom was back to staring at the ground and shrugged.

"Tom, I know you don't want to tell me for whatever reason, but I need to know, sweetheart," she explained. "Not just to give me reasons to tell you off so please-"

The speaker crackled.

"Tom Miller. Tom Miller, please."

"We'll talk later, okay?" Ellie said. She kissed him on the cheek and helped him stand. He didn't seem to need it, but she felt like she needed to have some kind of physical contact with at all times.

"Do what they say," Hardy advised. "It hurts, but if you don't move quick enough then they do it for you. That hurts more."

Ellie shook her head at him. Hardy looked as if he was wondering what he'd done wrong.

Tom nodded and shuffled over to the doors. He glanced back at her as he went in and Ellie wished she could have gone with him.

"He said 'they'," she said shakily once Tom was out of sight.

Hardy sat back down, while she took Tom's seat. He kept his gaze forwards, apparently entranced by the stop smoking poster in front of him

"How many of them…" She couldn't finish the question.

He finally looked at her unblinkingly, like he was making sure she was ready to hear what he had to say. She hated when he did this, although she had to admit that he usually had his reasons for it. This time she had the feeling if he refused to tell her he'd be grateful he was already in a hospital when she had finished with him.

"Three."

It took everything she had to not start crying again. She wondered briefly if every terrible piece of news she received for the rest of her life would come from Alec Hardy. She guessed she wouldn't mind. He was quite good at it, really, and there was something comforting about his presence.

Hardy went on to explain that Tom had called him after reaching the hospital and one of the paramedics spoke to him, explaining the basics of what had happened. He didn't know the exact details or how it started, but it sounded like it had been three against one and was ended when a teacher found them and broke it up.

"Could have been a lot worse by the sounds of things," Hardy concluded. "He's lucky that teacher found them. I don't know their names, but I'm sure the school will. We'll get them."

Ellie nodded, not really knowing what else to do or say. She felt sick. It wasn't like she hadn't had her fair share of people blaming her for what Joe did, but she deserved it more than Tom. She was the investigating officer, after all. Would Fred have to go through the same thing one day? Persecuted for a crime he didn't commit and had no chance of remembering?

She sometimes thought about whether it would be better for him to have no memory of Joe, while her and Tom were left with the conflicted memories of a beloved husband and father.

"Miller?"

"Sorry." Ellie tore herself away from her thoughts and flashed Hardy a smile. "Miles away."

He tightened his grip on her arm - _when had he put his hand there?_ \- and then let go. "He's a good lad. He'll be fine."

"Do you ever give any useful advice?" she snapped, but he ignored her.

They stewed in silence for a minute and Ellie regretted her words. It wasn't like she could come up with much better if the situations had been reversed and she actually liked talking to other people.

"Thanks, by the way," she mumbled, fiddling with a loose thread on the cuff of her jumper. "For coming all the way down here."

"It's no problem." Hardy shuffled in his seat and cleared his throat.

"How did Tom have your number, anyway?"

"Gave it to him a few weeks ago when I was down here with Daisy."

"Why?"

Hardy shrugged. "It's what people do."

Something about their exchange made Ellie bristle. It wasn't the thought of him giving Tom his number, or even not telling her that he did. That part had turned out to be very useful. No, it was more that he thought it wasn't a big deal. Her son, the boy that had cut her out of his life and would clam up without much provocation, had reached out to Hardy over his friends and neighbours, people he had known for years.

"Fancy yourself a replacement father figure?" she asked. It had came out somewhere between scathing and intrigued. Honestly, she had no idea what she had been going for.

"Who else is there? Olly?" Hardy snorted. She stared at him until he looked at her again. Realising she was serious, he added, "Sometimes it helps to have someone who isn't involved. To… talk to."

Ellie stared at him while he pointedly looked at his phone. Everything about him was screaming that he had said too much about something. It wasn't a mistake he made often, but it seemed to happening more and more recently. Since he'd moved away, he'd visited quite a few times, usually with Daisy, and he forgot his man of mystery act when he was around her sometimes. She'd learnt bits about his childhood, his life when Daisy was a child and the embarrassing stories that only children knew about their parents.

"Who was yours?"

He made a point of frowning at his phone as though he was trying to concentrate. Ellie waited but it didn't seem like an answer was coming any time soon so she read the posters around her to keep her distracted. She respected his privacy, but she still wanted to know who he had reached out to and what he had needed to talk about in the first place.

The longer she knew him, the more intrigued she became about Alec Hardy and how he came to be the person he was. She gathered a lot of the bitterness came from Tess, but had he always been that way? Had he been terrible in social situations since childhood or had his mother's death driven him into a shell he'd never fully emerged from? Was he born cynical or was his parents' divorce to blame?

What happened to him that made him so loyal, yet so convinced the world didn't strictly need him?

"How did you get here so quickly?" she asked once she'd memorised how to spot the early signs of prostate cancer.

"I was in Bristol."

"What were you doing in Bristol? Or were you driving around just to show off?" she teased and he rolled his eyes.

He'd only got his license back a couple of weeks ago. After months of getting the train, he'd driven down to Broadchurch the previous weekend for no other reason than because he could, Ellie suspected. She'd taken the piss a bit, but she understood what it must have meant for someone who was a borderline hermit to have more independence.

"I had a job interview."

"Really? What for?"

"DI position. It's a bit of a commute, but they'd said I'd be guaranteed to have every other weekend off except for exceptional circumstances so I'd still see Daisy."

"Bristol, though - bit of a change from Broadchurch," Ellie said, scrunching up her nose.

"All of that experience in tractor theft is going to go to waste."

Ellie patted his arm. "At least they'll be plenty of students keeping you busy."

Hardy frowned at her mocking grin. "I'll stand outside of Pryzm to scare them off."

"What's Pryzm?"

"You rural coppers have no idea about real world problems."

"Do you reckon you got it then? The job?" she asked.

"Probably not."

"How come?" Ellie laughed. He may have been a glass-eternally-empty kind of bloke, but she'd never seen him doubt his ability as a detective. In fact, for the first couple of months she knew him, it seemed like that was all he was capable of doing.

"Didn't show up to the interview."

"What?"

Hardy looked at her as though she'd asked him if she could borrow his iron. "Came here, didn't I? Might be able to reschedule, but it doesn't look good. I was a bit short with the bloke on the phone."

"You managed to get an interview without them knowing about your people skills? What did you say?"

"Said I had a family emergency and couldn't make it. He kept asking for details about it and if I'd be available later today and all this shite so I just hung up."

There was plenty of ammo there for Ellie to keep laughing at him, but one part in particular was ringing in her ears.

"Family emergency?"

"Easier to say that than explain the full story," Hardy replied, making a face.

"Right."

Ellie watched him as he continued to avoid her eye. It wasn't long before he cracked.

"Why are you taking sleeping pills, anyway?" Hardy folded his arms and turned his body to face her.

"Who said I was?"

"No one."

"I'm not," Ellie said, trying to inject a bit of finality into her words. She knew he was going on the offensive just to make her forget their previous conversation and she wasn't going to be outdone by him.

"You're a light sleeper who never has their phone on silent. Sleeping pills knock you out. Tom mentioned you've not been sleeping well," Hardy reeled off like she'd tried to insult him.

"Dunno about worst," Ellie grumbled, "but you're definitely the most annoying cop in Britain."

Hardy sighed and ran a hand over his face. It seemed to calm him down. "Are you okay?"

"Fine," she replied, folding her arms.

"Convincing," Hardy muttered under his breath.

Being called on this by the man who was known to yank IVs out of his arm and stagger back into work, made something inside Ellie snap.

"Fred is ill, Tom's been beaten up and I've not been there for either of them. So I'm feeling like a shitty mum at the minute, all right?"

She glared at him in the hopes he'd back down when confronted with someone else's feelings. She'd seen him do it plenty of times with his own, after all. Instead he met her look with one of understanding that could easily have been piteous coming from anyone else.

"You're not," he told her so quietly she nearly didn't hear him over the rumble of conversation around them.

"It's my wedding anniversary next week," she blurted out. The thought had been lodged in the back of her mind for well over a month, now, slowly taking up more space and becoming harder to ignore. Even before Fred had fallen ill she had been struggling to sleep, the knowledge that Joe was out there somewhere, possibly thinking the same thing, keeping her awake. Anything that connected her to that man made her sick and the day she had vowed to love him until death was looming ever closer. Had it really only been a year? How could so much have changed?

"Has he tried to contact you?" Hardy asked sharply.

Ellie snorted. "Too much of bloody coward to try. But…" She gulped as the worries that had been plaguing her waking hours fought to escape. "I can't help thinking what if he does, y'know? Everyone would recognise him, the school knows not to let him go near Tom, but… What if he's a - a delivery driver now? Something like that? No one would look twice if he had a van and all that, would they? I thought not knowing anything about him would be better, but he could be living ten miles away and I-"

"He's in Sheffield," Hardy cut in.

She stared at him. "How do _you_ know that?"

Hardy frowned slightly before speaking. "I've got a friend -"

" _What?"_

"You thought it was just you?"

"Hardy the social butterfly now, are we?"

He shook his head. "I've known him donkeys. Almost since I joined the force. Private investigator. Useful bloke to know. We both owe each other a few favours."

"Craig?"

"How-"

"You mentioned him in your Sandbrook notes a couple of times," Ellie shrugged.

"He has contacts all over the country." Hardy hesitated. "He's got someone monitoring Joe for me."

"Since when?"

"Day I left Broadchurch."

Ellie was shocked for all of half a second. After all, he had hid a woman in a cottage for over a year without her knowing. This paled in comparison. "Didn't think to tell me?"

"Didn't know if you wanted to know. Didn't know what you already knew." He narrowed his eyes. "You didn't seem too surprised to hear he was in Sheffield."

Deciding he wasn't the only one who could keep secrets and be all bloody mysterious with private investigator friends, Ellie turned away from him.

In the silence that followed she thought of all the answers to the questions she was too scared to ask and how they were potentially sat next to her. Briefly, she considered asking for more information, not really knowing if she wanted to hear that Joe was happy or dead.

"He's living alone," Hardy said and she could feel his eyes on her while she tried not to look desperate to hear more. "Working in a warehouse, goes to the pub occasionally after work. Otherwise he doesn't really get out much."

"Oh," was all she could think to say. There was more she wanted to know but just thinking the words made her nauseous.

Hardy breathed in deeply and leant closer to her so no one could hear him, his elbows resting on his knees. "Neither the warehouse or his flat are near any schools, playgrounds… Anything like that."

The relief was only temporary. Soon it was replaced with the out of body experience of realising with horror that her life really had become this. It should have been some comfort to know that other children were safe, but Danny was still dead and Tom was in hospital and she was so fucking alone in the middle of it. She was sick of it all, too tired and overwhelmed to bother being strong any more.

She gasped when her lungs started to burn with the breath she had been holding and it was all it took for the cracks in her armour to be ripped apart.

Remembering but not truly caring that she was in a public place, Ellie put her head in her hands and tried to not make any noise as the tears started. It wasn't any use. She was almost hyperventilating, the force of it all shaking her bones and making her chest swell until she didn't understand how she hadn't burst open yet.

Vaguely aware that her breakdown wasn't going to stop any time soon and that she should probably move to the nearest toilet, Ellie was on the verge of standing up to excuse herself when she felt Hardy's hand on her shoulder. Too far gone and exhausted to shake him off, she leant into him. The move caught him by surprise and it took a moment for his readjust his position to hold her properly.

As she cried, Ellie registered that she probably shouldn't be sobbing into Alec Hardy's shoulder, much less while they were in a room full of strangers. It was _Hardy_ , for God's sake. Then again it was nice to have someone by her side, silently reminding her that she wasn't alone, that she could get through this and the next hurdle. The state she was in it could have been anyone hugging her.

Hardy stroked her back as he said something into her hair that she couldn't make out and Ellie felt herself relax.

Then again, maybe it couldn't have been just anyone.

"Tom's back," he warned her, nudging her off of his shoulder gently. He maintained a hold on her arms as she wiped her eyes. "You all right?"

She nodded, not quite meeting his eyes.

"What's the verdict then, Tom?" Hardy asked, standing up to meet him. It bought Ellie a little more time to straighten herself out, for which she was grateful.

"Dunno yet," he answered, holding up a slip of paper. "The doctor says we've got to go through the waiting room down there to wait for consultation."

"What?"

"Yeah, gotta get the x-rays printed or something." Tom looked at her and frowned. "You all right, Mum?"

"Fine," she said, hearing the crack in her voice. She smiled widely to try and cover it up. "How was it? Get to see your skeleton?"

"Nah, not yet. You were right though," he told Hardy. "They kept moving my arm about when I said it hurt."

"Bloody sadists," Hardy grumbled. "We've been here for hours and all we've done is a tour of the waiting rooms. He's a kid, for God's sake! Shouldn't he be a priority? Bloody spending cuts, is what this is," he added, his accent becoming gradually more pronounced. "Thank you, Mr Cameron. Wanker."

"Oi! Language," Ellie scolded, as she put her arm around Tom to steer him towards the next waiting room. "And try not to annoy the people helping my son."

Looking like a caged bull, Hardy shook his head. "Nah, I need a cuppa. There's got to be a machine around here some place. Want one?"

"I'm okay."

"Tom?"

"No, thanks."

With one last nod in their direction, he marched off towards the lift and through the doors.

"Is everyone in Scotland that angry?" Tom asked with a bemused expression.

"No, I think it's just him," sighed Ellie. "Come on, let's go see what the damage is and then we can get you home."

"Can we have take-away tonight?" Tom gave her his best puppy-eyed look that he never attempted when his friends were around. Most of the time she could resist it, but seeing his injuries again made it difficult.

"Why not?" she chuckled as she held the door open for him. "Pizza? I'll check with Hardy first. Make sure a margherita won't kill him."

"Oh." Tom frowned. "Is Hardy having dinner with us, then?"

Ellie did a double take and busied herself with finding somewhere to sit to avoid answering. It wasn't as if either of them had discussed what their plans were when they had finished in the hospital. She'd just assumed that he'd hang around for a bit to see how Tom was. Besides, he probably hadn't eaten and it was a long drive back. It made sense for him to have dinner with them.

Remembering how he had held her before, how it had felt to have someone share the weight of her emotional baggage even it was just for a moment, Ellie nodded. As much as she tried not to think about it, there was definitely more to it than that.


	3. Chapter 3

Standing outside of the hospital, Ellie checked her phone and saw she had another missed call from a few minutes ago. This time it was only the one and from Lucy. She called back while she waited for Tom and Hardy to come out. Apparently they’d both needed the toilet for a while, but hadn’t wanted to risk losing their place in the queue.

“Ellie!”

“Hey, Lucy.”

“Is he okay? I’m so sorry - I’ve had the volume off on this thing.”

“Why?”

“Keep getting these calls from British Gas,” she replied offhandedly. “I’ve told them I get paid on Friday, but-”

“Are you in trouble?”

“Nah, just underestimated how much the leccy was going to be. I’ll be fine after I get paid.”

“Sure?”

“Yes! Forget that - how’s Tom?”

Ellie had known her sister long enough to know when a subject was being changed on purpose. Since Joe’s arrest, Lucy really had been making an effort, actually attending the financial help workshops Ellie and Olly had been recommending for years. She hoped she was telling the truth this time, but it was something she could deal with another day.

“Few stitches in his lip, some impressive bruises, including one hell of a black eye, and three cracked ribs. Nothing too serious though and he should be fine in a month,” she replied as she saw Tom and Hardy walking across the reception area. She hadn’t noticed before, but Tom appeared to be walking with a bit of a limp.

“Shit.”

“Yep.”

“Tell me the other boy came off worse.”

“Probably not, seeing as there were three of them.”

There was silence on the other end of the phone. Ellie found that sharing the news that had shocked her so much made her feel better. The more she heard it, the less immediate it became.

“Get down that school first thing tomorrow and demand to see the head,” Lucy demanded. “Don’t settle for some deputy. Those little shits need-”

“I know, Luce, already planning on it.”

“Do you want me to come with you?”

“I’m a police officer. I think I can handle this,” sighed Ellie. It didn’t seem to matter how old they were to Lucy. If her little sister was in trouble she was still determined to do her best to help, regardless of whether it was a good idea or not. “How’s Fred?”

“Bit grumpy. No temperature though and I think he’s less snotty. Hard to tell. He’s been asleep for about an hour.”

Ellie breathed a sigh of relief. Seeing the missed call, she’d straight away thought that something had happened to her youngest. When Lucy hadn’t began the conversation with that she knew that wasn’t the case.

“Thanks for looking after him.”

“Any time, El.”

“I can pick him up on my way back. We’re just leaving now.”

Tom and Hardy approached her and she smiled at them in greeting. Tom smiled back, while Hardy nodded.

“I can have him for the night, if you want? Let Tom have a decent night’s sleep.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, it’s fine. Tell him I said hi and to make sure he makes the most of that black eye. The girls will love it.”

Ellie rolled her eyes. “Will do,” she replied, having no intention of repeating the last part to him.

“And tell DI Hardy-”

“He’s not-”

“-that his arse is crying out for a decent pair of jeans.”

With Hardy scowling at her impatiently, Ellie couldn’t help but laugh. “No chance.”

“Your loss.”

“No, it isn’t.”

“Really? Still?”

“I’m hanging up now.”

“Oh come on, El, you can’t tell me you haven’t noticed!”

“Bye, Lucy.”

“You’re no fun-”

Ellie hung up and dropped the phone into her bag, before smiling brightly. “Lucy says hi. Fred’s fine and she’ll take him for the night so you can get some sleep.”

Tom looked relieved, while Hardy was looking at her suspiciously.

“Were you talking about me?”

“Don’t be ridiculous.”

“Can we go home now?” asked Tom, screwing his face up. He’d been told to take painkillers regularly until his ribs were fully healed and it looked as though the ones the hospital had given him were wearing off.

“‘Course, love,” replied Ellie, putting her arm around his shoulder. “What about you?” she asked Hardy.

He shoved his hands into the pockets of his coat. “I’ll probably start driving back.”

“You’re invited to dinner, you know,” she told him.

“What?”

“Dinner. A thank you for looking after my son. It’s called being polite.”

Hardy blinked at her. “At yours?”

“No, I was thinking about the Ritz, maybe?”

He bristled at her sarcasm. “I could just go home and eat.”

It was times like this that Ellie wondered if Tess had kept him in a cupboard for the whole of their marriage, only letting him out to go to work, create Daisy and appear at any social functions she needed him for.

“Fine. Drive three hours to eat a pile of leaves on your own,” she snapped. “Or come back with us, have a takeaway and try to come to terms with the concept that some people enjoy spending time with you.”

The look he gave her made her realise that Tess had definitely had the right idea with the cupboard.

“Okay.”

“Great.”

“I’ll just - I’m parked over there.”

“I’m on the other side. You know the way?”

“Yeah.”

“Right.”

They looked at each other, unsure of whether they had finished a conversation or an argument. Should she just say goodbye and walk away? A hug seemed a bit much considering they would be seeing each other in a few minutes. Not that they ever hugged anyway.

Bloody hell, Ellie thought, one hug and you’ve lost the plot.

Hardy cleared his throat and turned to Tom. “Put the top strap of your seatbelt behind you,” he advised. “You’ll be fine as long as your mother doesn’t crash.”

“Thanks,” Tom replied uncertainly. His eyes flicked to her as though worried she was about to announce she’d always wanted to be a rally driver and now was as good a time as any to start training.

“See you in a bit, Miller,” he said, then turned to walk away.

Subconsciously Ellie’s eyes dropped before she caught herself and headed towards her own car. She had to admit that while Lucy might have been terrible with money, she’d always had a good eye when it came to other things.

Five minutes later, they were on the road back to Broadchurch. Even though he was in the back and engrossed in his mobile, Ellie still saw Tom constantly shifting, trying to alleviate the pain in his side. She reminded herself that there was nothing she could do, not until they got home, but it grated against her instincts to help him. If she wouldn’t lose her job if she was caught, she’d be very tempting to ignore the speed limit.

Before she could put any serious consideration into her plan, Tom’s phone rang.

“Hey. Nah, I’m fine. Only three of them.”

Ellie gripped the steering wheel as she stopped at a junction. Why was it children were incapable of understanding how serious broken bones were and how they should be avoided at all costs?

“Don’t worry about it. Hardy came down anyway. Yeah, that Hardy. Not really. I mean, he visits some weekends with his daughter but- No, they stay at the Traders.”

“Who is it, Tom?” Ellie asked. She had a feeling she already knew, judging by how the conversation was going.

“Olly,” Tom replied and Ellie congratulated herself and knowing what a prick her nephew could be. “He says hi.”

“Does he say where he was this afternoon?”

Tom relayed the question. It took a while for him to get an answer. “Says he was busy.”

“Put him on speaker.”

“Auntie Ellie, I’m-”

“What’s her name, Olly?” she called over her shoulder while Tom smirked.

She heard Olly sigh. “Jessica. Look, Auntie Ellie, I’m really sorry. You know I’d have been there straight away if I knew.”

“I know,” Ellie said. Even though he only called her 'Auntie’ when he needed something or was apologising which annoyed her no end, she could hear how sincere he was. It wasn’t like she couldn’t understand. The family had always been there for one another, especially after recent events, and it was just a horrible coincidence that the one time they all couldn’t reach the phone, one of them was in need. “I honestly never thought I’d see the day you put your phone down for five minutes.”

“It was definitely longer than five minutes.”

“Grow up, Oliver.”

“One day,” Olly replied and she could practically hear his grin. “I’ll make it up you, Tom. Let me know when you’re up for it and we can go paintballing, yeah? Or there’s that laser game they’ve opened up at the bowling?”

“Can we at least get him home from A and E before we arrange to injury him again?” Ellie cut in.

Tom, however, was smiling. “Definitely.”

The conversation turned to a new game that was coming out and Ellie soon phased out. She’d listened enough to learn the name of the game so she could research whether or not she would actually want her son to play it (a lesson she had learnt after Olly had assured her GTA:IV was fine for a nine year old and she’d later caught Tom and Danny messing about with toy guns and pretending to 'kill bitches’) but couldn’t stay interested in the rest of it if she tried.

A quick look in her rear view mirror showed her that Hardy was still directly behind. It was odd seeing him driving. It must have been years since he was last behind the wheel - excluding the time he borrowed her car - but he didn’t seem too out of practise, a few dodgy looking gear changes aside.

He’d let her know that he was back on the road in typical Hardy fashion by casually mentioning he’d be picking Daisy up from Tess’ the next day and was baffled when she latched onto it. After months of being his personal taxi, Ellie felt she had the right to tease him a little.

She told herself that, anyway. Really, she knew it was more of defence mechanism, born of the fact that she honestly felt proud of him for putting his life back together. The feeling shouldn’t have startled her as much as it did, seeing as he was a fully-grown man, but she’d seen him just about ready to give up on ever having a future. Now he had a home, a relationship with his daughter and was seriously looking at getting his career back on track.

Maybe he’d even learn to shave some day?

By the time they’d pulled up to the Millers’ house, Tom was hardly talking and only taking shallow breaths. Ellie rushed him inside and had couple of painkillers and a glass of water ready for him as Hardy closed the front door behind him.

“Remember what the doctor said,” she reminded him as she rubbed his back. “Try to breathe normally or you’ll do more damage.”

“Easy for you to say,” Tom grumbled, still wincing with every breath.

“Still want pizza? Your normal one?” she added when he nodded. “I’ll order while you get out of your uniform, yeah?”

“Thanks, Mum,” Tom said as she kissed his cheek.

“Will you be all right getting your shirt off or do you want a hand?” she asked.

The parts of Tom’s face that weren’t covered with bruises flushed as he glanced at Hardy who was looking too intently at his phone to really be paying attention to it. “Mum, I can get undressed myself.”

“Fine, but if you hurt yourself because you were too stupid to ask for help then I’ll have no sympathy.”

Tom rolled his eyes as he walked towards the stairs. “I’ll remember that.”

Hardy put his phone away and sighed heavily.

“What’s up with you?” Ellie asked, routing around for the pizza menu they kept in a drawer.

“Tess says my daughter’s acting up,” he said, running a hand over his face. “Daisy’s only ever my daughter when she’s acting up.”

“Anything bad?”

“Mouthing off to teachers,” he shrugged. “Could be worse.”

Ellie found the menu and slid it across the table to Hardy. “Yeah, at least she’s in one piece.”

“Wanna swap?” he suggested. “I’d rather go to the school to give someone a bollocking than sit there, looking contrite and telling them that everything is 'okay at home.’” He went to pull the menu towards him, but paused. “Not that I want Daisy getting into a fight, obviously, but-”

“I know what you mean,” Ellie assured him as she sat down. “What are you having?”

He looked down at the menu, the furrow in his brow becoming gradually more pronounced. “You might as well inject shite right into your veins.”

“Oh, live a little. Go all out and get extra cheese.”

Hardy looked horrified by the thought and Ellie grinned at him.

It took an inordinately long time for Hardy to settle on pepperoni, during which Ellie took great pleasure in mocking his inability to make a decision. Years of picking meals based on his doctor’s advice had left Hardy almost unable to pick something based on whether or not he simply liked it. As ever, he gave as good as he got, and she found herself smiling more than she had all day at how comfortable it all was.

Eventually she was able to place the order and Tom was back downstairs, now wearing a button up shirt that Ellie raised her eyebrows at. His replying scowl was enough to tell her that putting a normal t-shirt on had been too much for him and she ruffled his hair to let him know she was sympathetic anyway.

The evening passed by without much drama. Conversation flowed freely enough, even with a couple of elephants in the room. Ellie was dying to ask more about the fight and how it had started, but didn’t want to spoil what was otherwise a pleasant dinner. Hardy whinged about how much grease was on his pizza while Ellie and Tom ignored him and loudly complimented their own. Halfway through, Lucy phoned because Fred had woken up and wanted to say goodnight to his mum. He’d mastered the words 'mummy’ and 'bye’, but the rest of the conversation was complete nonsense that only made sense to the babbling toddler. Ellie appreciated it nonetheless.

All in all, it was a normal family dinner, even if they weren’t a normal family.

Or a family at all, Ellie reminded herself.

Not long after they’d finished eating, Tom announced that he was shattered and was sent to bed with more painkillers and a drink just in case. Ellie and Hardy cleared away the empty boxes as the light outside slowly faded from orange to pink.

“I should probably start back soon,” Hardy said, squinting out of the kitchen window.

“You remember how to use your headlights, don’t you?”

“Are you ever going to stop taking the piss?”

Ellie considered this for a moment. “I drove you around for… three months? Three months payback seems fair.”

She grinned at his dumbfounded expression as she passed him to empty the bin. Once she was done and the kitchen was relatively tidy, Ellie began filling the kettle. Hardy fidgeted on the edge of her vision, clearly unsure of whether he was staying for another drink or if he was allowed to leave.

“You can stay, you know,” she said, hiding her exasperation by keeping her back to him.

“Oh. So… on the sofa?”

“What?” Ellie turned to face him, forgetting that she was holding the kettle under the tap and splashing water everywhere.

Hardy’s eyes went wide. “You meant-”

“For a drink,” she clarified. Somehow it did nothing to ease the tension that had filled the room. “What did you think I was on about?”

If it wasn’t for his chest rising and falling, Ellie could’ve been convinced that he had been frozen solid until he eventually replied. “I thought you meant… stay. Here.”

“Oh.” Ellie turned the tap off and placed the kettle on its stand. “It is getting late, I guess.”

“What?”

“You can stay if you don’t want to drive back tonight.”

“You want me to?”

“I’d rather that than you fall asleep and crash. It’s up to you, though. That sofa isn’t the comfiest.”

The twitchy nod Hardy gave her reminded her of the toy dog she had put in her first car before she’d even driven it. She blamed the sudden rush of affection she felt on the memory.

“Right. I’ll get some of the spare bedding out for you,” she said, pointing in the general direction of the stairs. She hurried towards the kitchen door but was too quick for Hardy to realise he had to move out of the way and bumped into him. They shuffled around each other, his hand on her elbow, until she could pass. By the time Ellie had made it to the hallway she could feel her face had heated up.

“Idiot,” she hissed at herself as she climbed the stairs. Had it really been that long since she’d been around an adult male that she started acting like an infuriatingly naive character from a teen rom-com? Just the mention of a sleepover and she was tripping over herself.

Ellie pulled a couple of blankets and a pillow out of the airing cupboard and paused to take a steadying breath. It’d been a long and emotional day. It was always times like this that she missed being married. The knowledge that there would always be someone there when she got home kept her going until she got there. Now when she walked through the front door, she knew she’d be going to an empty bed where any nightmares would have to be fought alone.

Before she went back downstairs, Ellie popped her head around Tom’s door to see he was already fast asleep. She watched him for a moment to see if he was showing any signs of discomfort but it seemed the painkillers were doing their job. In the dark she could barely see his swollen eye and tried to lose herself in the fantasy that this had been an average day in her happy life with her normal family.

Bracing herself, she left the fantasy to give the bedding she was holding to the man who arrested her husband for the murder of her son’s best friend.

She honestly didn’t know if she was dreading or hoping for the day that didn’t feel like being punched in the stomach.

Ellie dumped the blankets onto the sofa on the way to join Hardy in the kitchen. She was shocked to see that he was placing various bowls and plates in a bowl of soapy water in the sink.

“Are you… are you doing my washing up?” she asked from the doorway.

Hardy glanced over his shoulder briefly. “Aye.”

“You don’t have to,” she said. “That’s not even stuff from tonight.”

“So? I don’t mind.”

Moving to stand next him, Ellie tried to pull him away. “I can do my own housework.”

“I know that. I’m just helping.”

Ellie pulled the plate he was holding out of his hands and dropped it on the counter. She recognised it as one she’d used for dinner two nights previously and felt a flash of embarrassment. Between work, looking after Fred and Tom as well as everything else, she knew she’d let the house get a bit messy. It didn’t mean she needed help with it. She was perfectly capable of keeping on top of things.

“Miller, you’re being ridiculous,” sighed Hardy, making a grab for the plate but she pushed it away from him. “You bought me dinner-”

“You looked after Tom. That’s it. Debt paid.”

Hardy stared at her for moment, eyebrows disappearing under his fringe. “Debt- We’re not the bloody mafia.”

“Let me do my own washing up.”

“Why are you making such a big thing out of this? Just let me help!”

Ellie held her breath, closed her eyes and counted to five. It was no use. Something inside her that had been gradually winding up all week had finally snapped. It wasn’t Hardy’s fault - he was just the only person there she had to unload onto - but the voice in her head telling her that was being drowned out by all of her insecurities.

“I don’t need help!” she told him through gritted teeth. “It’s _my_ house. _My_ kids. _My_ mess. I will deal with it.”

Recognising her tone as the one she used when she was trying to remain calm, Hardy levelled her with that searching look of his. “Fine,” he said without any heat in his voice and rolled up his sleeves. “You wash. I dry.”

Any hope Ellie had of not flipping completely evaporated on the spot.

“Oh piss off, you patronising twat,” she spat at him. “I know what you’re doing. Giving Tom your number, visiting all the time… I’m not a bloody charity case! Just because you haven’t got Claire hidden away to make you feel useful anymore doesn’t mean you can use me instead!”

Infuriatingly, Hardy didn’t say a word back to her diatribe. Other than blinking, he didn’t move at all. It only served to anger Ellie more. Right now she needed a sparring partner and he was being woefully unhelpful with his indifferent expression.

“Where the hell do you get off judging me?” she carried on. “A few months ago, you were living in a shack!”

“You’re going to wake Tom up,” Hardy said quietly.

“Stop telling me how to look after my kids!”

Hardy scrubbed a hand over his beard and shook his head. “Okay.” And without so much as a glance in her direction, he turned on his heel and walked out of the kitchen.

Her anger rising to a whole new level, Ellie followed him into the living room, hissing at him as she went. “Now you won’t even look at me when I’m talking to you! You actually get ruder with age.”

Clearly trying to ignore her, Hardy picked up one of the blankets and unfolded it.

“You’re a fucking arsehole and you don’t even care!”

Rather than doing the polite thing and yelling back, Hardy kept his back to her and carefully laid the blanket over the sofa.

“No wonder you ended up divorced.”

Ellie knew she’d hit her mark when she saw Hardy’s back tense. It had been a low blow and she felt a prickle of guilt, but she was too far gone to apologise. Slowly, he turned to face her and she met his patient eyes defiantly, willing him to fight back.

Instead, he was staring at her, all rolled-up sleeves and forearms and fingers curled around his narrow hips, clearly still holding back. He ran his tounge over his upper lip and breathed out heavily through his nose to calm himself.

“Is this helping?” he asked softly, his left eyebrow arched.

It was obvious now that he knew exactly what she was aiming for. The fact he wasn’t taking the bait, but taking everything she threw at him was more frustrating than anything else that had happened since she’d tried to start this stupid argument. Just this once, couldn’t he defend himself?

Unable to articulate any of this, Ellie screamed through her teeth.

Then, without thinking about consequences or meaning, she pulled him down by the collar and pressed her mouth to his.

It was less of a kiss, more of an assault, if she was honest. They must’ve looked ridiculous, him bent over and her clinging to the front of his shirt, but then his stance shifted. His arms were wrapped around her, pulling her closer, while her hands moved to his hair as he began kissing her back.

Alec Hardy was kissing her.

It was like a bucket of cold water over her head and Ellie pulled away, nearly tripping over one of Fred’s toys on the floor.

“What are you doing?” she gasped, trying to ignore the way her lips felt like they were burning.

“What?” he panted. The sight of the back of his hair sticking up made something give way in Ellie’s abdomen.

“Why were you kissing me?”

Hardy blinked at her reasonable question. She could see him going over the last few seconds, trying to work out if he’d remembered them correctly. “You… kissed me.”

“Why did you kiss back?”

“Because you kiss-” He frowned. “Why did you kiss me?”

Ellie folded her arms. “I asked first.”

Choking out a laugh, Hardy shook his head. “You are… astounding.”

“Simple question,” she shrugged.

The pair of them stared at each other and Ellie tried to figure out the answers to her own supposedly simple questions. Well, she knew the answers, but admitting them - even to herself - was another thing entirely.

“You started this!” accused Hardy.

“Stop being such a cock!”

Unable to look at his baffled expression any more, Ellie stormed out and back into the kitchen. Without thinking, she swiped at the light switch, realising too late that the light had already been on and she was now standing in the dark.

Feeling stupid and still reeling from the shock of her actions, she leant against the counter and stared blindly at the closed blinds. She’d kissed Hardy. She had no idea if she wanted to be kissing anyone at the minute, let alone him. Her family had just been through hell and was still recovering. It would be selfish of her to throw her love life into the mix of things her kids had to deal with. Relationships were hard enough without all of the baggage she was dragging along.

But then Hardy knew all of this. He knew all of this before she did and had been doing his admittedly flawed best to help since he realised what was going to happen. That day on the beach, he’d as good as told her that he’d have her back in the aftermath. Everything he’d done from that point on had been to protect her, to remind her that she wasn’t to blame.

He’d definitely kissed her back, as well.

Had she spotted when he’d started looking at her differently? Or had she buried the knowledge along with everything else? It could have been during the trial, or maybe the day he’d left Broadchurch, but she’d been deliberately ignoring it since he’d started visiting. His wide-eyed stares of admiration that had gradually become more frequent and less hidden had scared her if she were honest. Whatever it was he was feeling, he’d come to terms with it way before she was even willing to acknowledge it.

There was no way she dealing with her emotions worse than Hardy. That couldn’t be possible, could it?

Ellie was so caught up in her thoughts that she didn’t notice that the subject of them had joined her in the kitchen.

The soft noise of his socked feet on the floor made her spin around, a shaking hand over her heart. “Sorry,” she started, saying the first thing that came to mind. “I shouldn’t have shouted. I - it’s been… And I’ve just…”

It didn’t look as though he was listening to the words falling out of her mouth. Instead, he met her gaze unflinchingly and, with each slow step towards her, Ellie became more desperate to fill the silence.

“I didn’t mean - back there - it was just - I’m sorry.”

He stopped directly in front of her and whatever it was Ellie was still managing to say was coming out as a whisper. She’d lost track of the actual words.

With the moonlight that had made its way through the cracks in the blinds illuminating strips of his calm face, Hardy reached out and touched her shoulder with his fingertips. Ellie wasn’t sure how she didn’t flinch, especially when he slowly moved them down her arm until their fingers tangled together.

She had a flashback to another life, when they’d stood here, her with another man’s ring on her finger and him with a different girl’s picture in his wallet, and he talked about creating false intimacy. As she stood before him now, his eyes asking for permission, acceptance and a million other things she was scared to name, there was nothing false about the intimacy he’d created.

He leant forward a fraction and her eyes flickered to his parted lips. It was only then that Ellie regained control of her own words.

“Do it.”

He didn’t hesitate.

It was so delicate, yet she it felt as though every one of her cells was vibrating and she could break into a thousand pieces at any minute. Unlike the first time, she had time to pay attention to the details, like how his beard was a lot softer than she’d expected while still scratching her slightly as he moved.

It lasted forever yet no time at all and she was just glad she could stop thinking long enough to just exist in the moment.

He broke the kiss and rested his forehead against hers. Ellie kept her eyes closed and, though she had no way of knowing, was sure he was doing the same. If she could’ve just stayed here, Hardy’s heart beating under her palm, the sound of her own blood rushing in her ears, if she could’ve just stayed in this moment for a little while longer…

“You should get some sleep,” he murmured as she gradually opened her eyes. “We can - talk - in the morning.”

As Ellie nodded, she realised how close they were still standing. Somehow he’d ended up with one hand cupping her cheek and one of hers was caught up in his shirt just above his hip.

With words still well beyond her reach, Ellie kissed him again just to make sure it had been real. When she tried to pull away, he followed her and it took three more soft kisses before either of them could stand back.

When there was some space between them once more, Ellie wondered how kisses so chaste could have her so wound up. Then again, it had been well over a decade since she’d felt this kind of first time thrill.

“'Night, then,” she said, unable to speak much louder than a whisper and taking a step backwards.

“'Night, Miller.”

Ellie nodded awkwardly and hurried from the room as casually as she could. It felt odd, she realised halfway up the stairs, being sent to bed this early by her ex-boss while in her own house, but she doubted her limbs could respond to her own commands.

Once in bed, she couldn’t fail to catalogue the parts of the evening she’d missed as they were happening. Everything from Hardy’s concern for Tom to the way he’d smiled at her when she’d teased him and, finally, how tense his muscles had been under her hands when they’d kissed were replaying in her mind. It was clear he had been holding himself back in the kitchen. If she were honest with herself for the first time today, then she had been as well.

She couldn’t pinpoint when all of this had started, or even what it was, but it had. Now she just had to decide if she wanted to stop - if she even could.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! There will be a sequel, if that's your thing.


End file.
